The Troubled Musings of a man called Stanley
by RougeIsRed
Summary: Due to his inability to speak, Stanley could only think to himself. This causes the man to bottle up a lot of his emotions and baggage. Now what if it breaks?


**This has been in my head for a long, long time. I'm not sure why it took me so long to much to finish but now it's here. Also, I'm sorry if the train of thought doesn't make sense, I'm not sure how I can make it more understandable than this at the moment... Please enjoy  
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After years of being in these halls, I've explored every nook and cranny this nonsensical fever dream of a reality made by a disembodied voice with a case of narcissism and extreme amounts of sarcasm. I recently returned to the Explosion Ending again just to check if there was a way to deactivate the countdown. Because I had nothing else better to do and I won't back down until I've done everything.

The simple answer to that question was there was none!

Actually, this has been the fourteenth time in a row I've gone through the ending just to try all the buttons, switches, sequences, patterns that I could see and think of but it was all useless. You can't deactivate the bomb once it's been set off. The stress seems to have messed with me more than I thought, not just because I keep being blown to bits for fourteen times.

It was because of the Narrator...

Yeah, I know what he says. I've heard it from all the times I decided to press that ON button in the control room. But the moment after I scratched off the last combination that I could think of is exactly when he says that it's part of a joke... Something in me genuinely ticked at that moment. I've had to deal with a lot of frustration back when everything was all new to me but it seems like he managed to slip through the cracks he made on me.

So you know what I did?

Nothing.

Jackshit.

I just grabbed a chair and sat in front of the control panel and watched the countdown tick down to zero. Gritting my teeth as I tried to drown out the endless onslaught of annoying babbling and alarm blaring. There was nothing I could do but bottle up my frustration. If only I could fucking talk, then all he'll ever hear from me are curses and rebellion.

It restarted again and I found myself in my office once more. I ignored the Narrator as he narrated the same old shit he did for the last two years and stormed off into the only place where I could get some peace of mind. The _Zen_ Room.

I hitched a ride on the lift and then got off on the catwalk where the Narrator lost his shit again because I interrupted him and that I had no decency and other bullshit like that. I impatiently paced around until he opened the doors and rushed through the red door and kept walking in circles around the endlessly looping hall, drowning myself in my own angered thoughts.

I mean, really? You see this as a joke? Don't fuck with me cause out of the two of us, you're the one that's taking everything I do at face value!

You think that everything is under your control? You don't even know half of the shit that's happening around you! You don't know that I can do things that can turn your entire story into a train wreck, you don't know that I experienced everything that you and this world of choice has to offer.

And all it takes is a bit of curiosity to see through that facade.

Was it my fault that I was curious of what would happen if I turned it on? Was it stupid to wonder whether I could somehow turn off the countdown?

**WAS IT WRONG OF ME TO TAKE A PATH THAT I WANT TO TAKE?!**

Then the door opened.

I went through and found myself in a room surrounded by beautiful, dancing lights and odd but somehow relaxing sounds that I can only imagine have been from space.

_"Here! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?"_ Indeed...

_"If we just stay here, right in this moment, with this place... Stanley, I think I feel... happy. I actually feel happy..."_

I always find myself torn when he says that line. Actually, I find myself torn whenever I do this ending.

The Narrator, as I know him from the years that we've been together, is a narcissistic control freak with sass oozing out every word he says whenever something that wasn't in the plan. But in this ending, he sounded like he was genuinely doing this with good intentions in mind.

And... I don't know whether to believe it or not...

He might be lying like when he told me to answer the phone or maybe he really does want what best for me? If so, then why am I still in this place? Why am I not free when I turned off the control room? Was it because I didn't listen to him at first? That's a load of horse shit if you ask me!

Why are you such a prick in other endings? Why are you nicer in this one? Sure, you were nice in the Confusion Ending but that was because we were forced into that situation, if it were normal circumstances then you wouldn't even refer to me so equally.

I lay down on the floor and feel the cold concrete behind my back.

Sometimes, I wonder if he does remember the restarts. He keeps saying the same thing over and over, although he does change it slightly every now and then, other than that everything is the same. But still, I know that he does remember. Well... He remembers some things. He doesn't remember the Confusion Ending but he does remember when I do the Freedom Ending again and again.

Ah, man... This always happens when I'm in this room. I just think about things and not actually enjoy the beauty around me, this room is way better than the lounge and the haven of buttons in my opinion. It's so nice here. I wish I could be here forever. It just makes me feel relaxed and forget that I'm trapped here.

But I remember that I **am** trapped in here.

With absolutely no means of escaping.

Then I get this great need to leave this room. Shit, I'd rather be in the baby room wasting my time than to be in here!

But I can't...

I trapped myself in here.

Like in every ending, I trapped myself with no other choice than to see through it to the end.

And I know far too well how this will end.

_"No, wait... where are you going?"_ I continue to walk out of the room, ignoring his question.

I soon became face to face with a flight of stairs that only leads to a ledge at the very top.

_"Oh, no! Stay away from those stairs! If you hurt yourself, if you die, the game will reset! We'll lose all of this!"_ I looked up at the ceiling with a blank stare. I'm not sure if you said that because you were genuinely concerned for my well-being or because you don't want everything to reset...

I walked up the stairs, pace steady and calm although I'm mentally preparing myself for the pain that will soon follow.

_"Please, no, Stanley, let me stay here! Don't take this from me!"_ I'm not taking anything away from you.

_"Please, Stanley, think about what you're doing!"_ I'll only think when I'm not sure and right now? I'm a hundred percent sure of what I'm doing...

I reached the top and looked down the ledge, I took a deep breath. Let's get this over with...

_"NO!"_

I stepped off the ledge and plummet to the floor.

My legs hit the ground and for a moment, all I saw was red. I could feel them break under my weight. I bend my knees by instinct to reduce the damage, not that it matters since I'll be jumping again soon.

_"Oh... thank god. You lived."_

Fuck! Ugh, that hurt...

_"You had me worried there for a moment. Now, can we please get back to the other room?"_

Why couldn't it be as easy as jumping off the lift?

I shook my head to in order to get my mind away from the pain and began to limp up the stairs.

_"No! No, no! What are you doing?! Stanley, please I'm asking you not to take this away from me."_ Shut up...

_"I can't go back to what I was before! If you die, we'll both go back. Why are you doing this?"_ Doesn't matter.

I got to the ledge and let myself fall off. I hit the ground on side and let out a inaudible gasp, I think I broke a rib and fractured an arm or something.

_"Stanley..."_

I tried to stand, I somehow managed to get myself up using one arm but I had to lean on the wall for support.

_"Let's go back to the other room... Can you do that for me?"_ I was panting, everything's getting fuzzy and my mind isn't really processing what he's saying but he's probably telling me to go back to the other room.

I can't stay here. I'll be driven insane by being in such a claustrophobic space for too long...

I staggered my way up the staircase, my shoulder leaning on the wall as I held my fractured arm with my hand.

_"My god, is this really how much you dislike my game?"_ Is that how you look at all of this? A game to play?

_"That you'll throw yourself from this platform over and over to be rid of it?"_ A sick joke that's only funny in your head?

_"You are literally willing to kill yourself to keep me from being happy? Am I reading the situation correctly?"_

I stop in my tracks, whether it was because of exhaustion or what he said, I'm not sure...

Come on, the ledge is right there!

'But... He'll be sad. Just listen to him, he sounds so broken!' My conscience pleaded.

I inaudibly scoffed at the thought before I walked up to the ledge and let myself fall off once more. I crashed on the floor and the pain began to grow numb, it was slowly being replaced with an overwhelming cold.

I knew I was close. Just one more jump...

Chills went up my body as I struggled to get up again, my legs wobbled but I managed to keep my balance after a few seconds. I had depended entirely on the wall to keep me standing because I doubt I can stand on my own anymore.

_"Or maybe you're just getting a kick out of it."_ You really think I enjoy this?

I climbed up the set of stairs once more, slowly making my way up, having to take a lot of breathers just so I don't accidentally fall off the steps.

_"I don't know anymore. I just wanted us to get along, but I guess that was too much to ask."_ You think I wouldn't want that too?

At last, I found myself at the top. I held onto the railing as I pushed myself off of the wall. My unfocused gaze, staring forward with each step only stopping at the edge.

_"It looks like you wanted to make a choice after all. Well, this one is yours."_ My heart tightened along with my grip on the railing. Every single time with this ending...

I wanted to scream.

To cry.

**I** **NEVER HAD A FUCKING CHOICE!**

Why do you think I rebel so much?!

Why do you think I try to deviate from the story?!

**I don't have a choice!**

Everything here has been planned out for me.

No matter what I choose, it all just ends up the same way!

_I just want to be free..._

I bit my lip and bowed my head down to hide the tears that were sipping out my eyes before shutting them tight and letting go of the railing.

The impact left a ringing in my ears as I lay limp on the cold, hard cement floor. I could feel a tear slowly trailing down my cheek.

_"Is it over? It's going to restart, isn't it. I'm going bac-"_


End file.
